i am wondering, how much of our happiness or unhappiness is tied to our own expectations?
it’s unreasonable to say we should not have expectations… for we all do. a lot of them are probably valid as it helps us realise who we really are through the boundaries of where we draw our lines or where we hope friendships can be forged with people who don’t cross those lines with the ways they treat us or behave.
but i think… a lot of our expectations are not what we even really believe in… but things that consciously or not, we incorporate into our lives and conform to, because they SEEM to be as they should be.
and it took a woman, who, i am ashamed to say, is someone whom i have not given due respect to, to show me how blinded i am sometimes.
over the weekend, we celebrated bak kwa’s birthday and N.G. was there. she told us many fascinating stories. leaving aside the gross and unnecessary ones, we’ll talk about the colourful ones she shared.
if you have heard her stories, you will understand why us girls floated off into dreamland – where we walk amongst clouds in a different pair of shoes everyday… fly free with a brand new outfit every 2 hours… or accessorise according to the different shades of the sky.
she’s got SIX STACKERS (what ARE stackers???) of earrings… walk-in (into ROOMS) closets of clothes… so many that she has to store some of her clothes in Bird Fool’s WAREHOUSE!
let’s not go into shoes and bags and watches because i will end up daydreaming the rest of the day. and she seems really happy.
now, some of the girls said, why wouldn’t she be when she’s got so much???
i agree, of course. but i suspect it’s got to do more with “Expectations” than how much she has in her life.
i am impressed not by how much she’s got but how happy she has kept herself. i am confident that i can have SIX stackers of earrings and warehouses of clothes, shoes, bags, (AND BOOKS!!!) and i might not be as happy as her.
it’s not about the possessions. one can have everything in the world and feel empty. but not N.G.
she was there alone without her hubs whereas there were a few other married couples there… and she was enjoying herself thoroughly.
she admitted freely that Bird Fool was not like some of the other hubbies – he’s more ‘MCP’ *hahahaa*… and i can still hear the love in her voice.
i like to tell people who share problems about their relationships, “if it works for the two of you, then IT WORKS”. because no two relationship can be the same. and ultimately, if your partner fails you, and the world judges him/her accordingly, you are the only one who can really understand where he/she is coming from and where they have crossed your lines AND what those lines are made of exactly.
unfortunately, not even all friends are as honest nowadays. they only share the beautiful parts of their relationships, sometimes, i feel, to paint that perfect picture so as to hide the cracks. maybe it’s to prove they are happy. but to whom?
true friends actually share the cracks. and those instances can bring so much relief and comfort to another who is wondering about their own cracks in their relationships. and because honest opinions are given and stories shared, about relationships or any other kinds of setbacks we face in life, i find that everyone is essentially going through the same situations.
there is no PERFECT relationship, PERFECT job, PERFECT family.
ultimately, and what’s most important to me, i learn that there is no PERFECT person who just seems to have everything made and have absolutely no problem in their lives.
there is no need to ask, “How come some people can handle it so well and manage so well AND I CAN’T?”
NO. not all handle it that well. i think those who can, are able to share where they have failed or where they are stumbling. the rest just prettify their situations… possibly because they have the same doubts we do… thinking how come they are the only ones who can’t seem to get it together.
and this is why i am impressed by N.G. she’s not ashamed of who she is. she knows her values and what she stands for. she loves to party. at her age, that is, my mum’s age, she can party harder than a lot of us. and Bird Fool is not like that. and he doesn’t like her to party and he doesn’t like to be with her when she does. i’m sure she’s got her fair share of problems to deal with… what happens when she wants him there but he doesn’t want to be?
and one can see that, despite her strong character, she is actually quite submissive to Bird Fool. that’s actually very endearing to watch. (on an aside, i attended a conference on Marriage Spirituality and one participant spoke about her submission to her husband, backing it with Ephesians and what struck me was the same thing – how Happy she is with that. Happy, not just accepting.)
now my question is – if a woman’s nature is different from a man’s, in that women generally assume more care-giving and nurturing roles, possibly because we are built that way, who sold us the concept of being “little women”, making us unhappy when we play a “little woman”, when perhaps, inside, we are ok playing that role?
hmmm…. i’m not sure. i like to be strong and independent so that not every thing that falls across my path turns my world upside-down, and to know that i can take care of myself and make my own decisions but truth be told, i am a “little woman” inside. my reconciliation between the two lies here – that i am independent enough to MAKE MY OWN DECISION to want to be a housewife and take care of my kids and send them to school and back… and clean the house and wait for my husband to come home.
man, i think i’m ageing. 
there is something that is mine, and mine alone. it is the most precious thing i own and nobody can take it away from me.
it is a gift and i’m the only one who decides how i want to hold it. nobody taught me how to use it and it has taken me years to learn how to hold it. i’m the only one who decides who i want to give this to… regardless of what others may think and say, it belongs to me only and it is my right and my choice to offer it as and how i like to.
it shall be freely given in the same way as it has been freely received.
and this gift of love, i give to you.
“here it is,” i whispered and bared my wound.
my heart was pounding heavily and with each beat, a familiar pain regained life in my chest.
he watched impassively. i knew he felt something. he must… but he didn’t show it.
i felt sad. he did ask me to open that wound for him to see. well, what can i do? i picked up the blade and held onto it. i wasn’t sure if i should hand it to him.
but what can i do?
so i did. he accepted it though with great hesitation.
“here, anywhere here.” i guided him. although he tried to be gentle, it was with force that he stabbed me right where the wound had been opened.
yes… i am the one who handed the blade to him. i am the one who exposed my wound, the wound that had been on its way to recovery.
i am the one who handed him the instrument to scrape at the most raw pain i carry, even as i was pleading for him to stop.
potato had left… and a part of me really died.
for some strange reason, a year later, Blue Cap was to return. and out of the blue too! pun not intended. we had not kept in touch for two years… and suddenly, he contacted me and asked me out. i didn’t want to for some time, because i was too busy nursing my broken heart.
but one day, i felt good and thought, why not? so i said ok though i didn’t have any real interest in him. but we laughed a lot and the thought that struck me was, i had found a soul friend.
things happened on that first night… i felt incredibly comfortable with him and it seemed only natural when we got together.
but i couldn’t get over potato.
i guess there wasn’t much i could do because potato was in the states and would remain there for 6 years.
so Blue Cap became my partner and i loved him deeply.
potato returned one year and there was tingling in the air. actually, a lot more than just tingling. but i was with Blue Cap. i did the right thing. big deal.
3 years after, things fell apart between Blue Cap and i. we went our separate ways. hurt like hell but i survived. maybe cos a part of me had died when potato left, nothing could ever hurt me the same way again.
[RECAP - i am much older than when in Boys to Men - I, had fallen in love with potato, didn't work out, loved Blue Cap, didn't work out... and am totally disillusioned for a while because i cannot grasp how honestly loving someone can inflict so much pain on myself... and am confused too but in a good way because i want to make a big effort to take my time to heal.]
about 2 years passed. potato returned. we had become friends by then.
it was a looooooong process. remember… we were strangers ->acquaintances ->friends ->couple ->enemies (yup) ->awkward friends ->friends.
we hung out and guess what???
i am with potato now again. my dark knight. he will hate it that i call him that. =)
am i any wiser? i guess not! because i see a frightening pattern here.
but i am with the only man i have ever known, potato. and i am friends with Blue Cap, who calls me when his heart gets broken, the ass, but he’s still my soul friend and i ran into Mr Animal Rights recently.
does it matter? i guess not. will there be a “happily ever after”? i don’t know. am i stronger? somewhat… will i survive? no freaking idea. am i afraid? FUCKING TERRIFIED.
but life is amazing. and thank you for reading these, if you are. no idea what possessed me to write these entries. but just did. sat here and wrote, and wrote, and i realized it would be much longer than i thought.
and now, i have a lump in my throat that hurts… a bittersweet heaviness in my heart as only the best and most terrible memories can bring, as how only the most devastating and heartbreaking memories can also be the loveliest and most cherished ones that you will never exchange with anything more or less than what they are.
let’s see how i can explain this.
during those days of taking the same bus home as Mr Animal Rights, there arrived another boy. i called him Blue Cap then. because he wore a blue cap every morning on the bus ride to school.
so this was how it worked. i took this bus with Blue Cap to school at 6 in the morning and the same bus home with Mr Animal Rights in the afternoon. both of them were in the same school. Blue Cap and i are of the same age while Mr Animal Rights is one year older. so there was one year when Mr Animal Rights went to junior college and i only had Blue Cap for company.
he was so adorable. he slept in the bus every morning. i watched him for 2 years. yes, Stalker Me. that side of me has just been suppressed, not eradicated. be careful.
i usually never get a seat. but he does because he gets on much earlier than me. but there was one time this person sitting next to him got off the bus and i was standing right there. he looked up at me with sleep in his eyes, moved to allow me to sit and i was paralysed.
“SIT DOWN!!!!!” i screamed in my head but i didn’t dare to. opportunity doesn’t hang around for long, especially not in over-crowded buses in wee hours of the morning. someone else shuffled over and sat in my precious seat.
so yup, i watched him for two years. sometimes, i got irritated with this other boy who noticed me watching Blue Cap. of course, that turns out to be his younger brother, as i learnt much later.
Blue Cap was a really sweet boy. when everyone was fighting to get off the bus, he would gallantly step aside to let someone else get off before him. we exchanged eye contact several times and i never forget those eyes.
time passed. i got to know him. but he had a girlfriend.
we graduated from school. he went to a different junior college. for me, i had a choice of going to either. life is full of tough choices! haha. i chose to go where Mr Animal Rights was. and so, i gradually lost touch with Blue Cap, also cos i lost interest in him.
here’s where things get slightly more complicated.
[RECAP - i am in the same junior college as Mr Animal Rights and Blue Cap is practically non-existent in my life at this point. Enters a third person, let's call him... potato, for now]
potato and i shared a few classes. he wore half-damaged trainers and carried a simple backpack. he was simple, humble and always had this somewhat awkward look. nice smile, unnerving way of looking at people. the word “enigmatic” comes to mind.
i had such a huge crush on him! we studied in the library for our ‘A’s and we watched each other sometimes. i think i used to glare at him to prove to myself that i wasn’t afraid of him. he thought i hated him.
prom night. one hotel, two junior colleges. both potato and Blue Cap were there. GOSH. Blue Cap came in a smart, white suit. potato wore a blue shirt with black pants. i bade my farewells silently in my heart. my final glance at the hall when we left prom was at potato sitting by himself.
couldn’t stop thinking about him, especially when we ran into each other at Zouk quite regularly in those days.
finally bared my heart to my friends. those were the days of IRC. my friend, without telling me, went on the public line for our junior college students and announced for potato to show himself.
he did.
though he had only just went on the IRC line for the first time.
we started chatting. we became friends. we acknowledged each other’s presence. we talked. we went out.
eventually, we got together.
i don’t recall another period of my life when i was both floatingly light and happy, but where every breath brought an ache to my heart because i couldn’t believe how happy i was.
i loved every moment of my life then. i was in love. really in love. he was so strong and surreal.
then he left for studies. and he left me.
doesn’t end here though. things get a little bit more complicated and i’m starting to see a recurring pattern in my life!!!
the youngest boy i ever fell in love with was 5 years old. don’t remember much of him. i was 5 too.
but we acted together in a school play on “Genesis”. i was a moon and he was some animal. then we sang “auld lang syne” to mark the last day of kindergarten and i never saw him again. i still remember his full name though. maybe i should hunt him down.
then there was probably, the first boy i seriously fell for. he was my martial arts companion and we used to race with each other each time we met. we chased each other down lanes, round the basketball court, around a community centre building. we fought, we teased each other, we got on each other’s nerves constantly and laughed it off together.
i thought he was “THE ONE”.
everything surrounding us felt like Destiny arranged it to be so. after spending one year together, i met him at a bus-stop, and it was only then i realised we studied so near each other. his school had just shifted location. so we started taking the same bus home.
of course, silly thoughts would never have entered my mind except that it again seemed like Destiny when i had to move house, felt all sad that i wouldn’t see him anymore, only to find out that i was moving into the same estate that he was, and out of 18 or more blocks, ended up moving into the same one as him, one floor above his apartment, with our parking lots allocated side by side!
life’s a joke.
so guess what! we went to the same junior college.
but that wasn’t Destiny anymore. it was all my handiwork. i did pretty well for my ‘O’s but i enrolled myself into what was then, a degenerated school because i knew he was there!
so we continued taking the bus home together… those were young, foolish days. he tutored me in math, i watched the soccer games he played in, we celebrated his 18th birthday at a mexican restaurant, went to the beach after, and…
we raced! haha. we had both left the martial arts class for years and yet, it just seemed so natural that we race. again.
but it was all… nothing. i did love him. he was my friend.
the country called for his service then and we practically lost touch. and then he moved from the estate and i was heartbroken.
we never kept in touch but i knew, in my heart, that i will always see him again.
and i did. somehow or other, we always ran into each other.
then one day, Destiny happened again.
i had enrolled myself into some cross-faculty course that i was basically forced to take. the class started at 8am! can you imagine? i lived in the north, university was in the west! so i was late for my first day of class and i asked my classmate to go ahead into the lecture theatre as i would be late. he reserved a seat for me but when i stepped into the hall, it was a 100-plus seater.
no idea where my classmate was. so i just sneaked into an empty seat. started daydreaming. looked at the guy sitting in front of me. he was wearing a faded-brownish hawaiian tee. wondered when the lecture would end. looked at the guy again.
hey…
it’s HIM!!! how did that even happen?
so we met once again. and we had breakfast… a few breakfasts…
he is an amazing person. when we were young, he wanted to be a vet. but his school did not offer Biology. so when we went to junior college, he took the subject at ‘A’ levels, with no prior background. and he moved on with it in university. today, if i am correct, he is part of an animal-rights organisation, right here, in our country although they do travel.
and yes, i ran into him again, just recently.
hats off to you, mister. you the man!
when i was in college, i fell in love with a boy i didn’t know.
a year later, we went to Changi beach. there, we spent an afternoon not doing anything much. it didn’t go well at all. but he left me with three words that i carried with me even when he disappeared. he described that afternoon as “time well spent”.
a year later, when i was on my knees praying for love to take me out of my loneliness, i had in mind a specific person to ask for and it wasn’t him. but somehow, when i uttered my prayer, his name came to my lips as he came to my mind and heart. so i prayed for him as a companion.
i tell you today, prayers work.
be careful.
a year later, i bade him farewell as he crossed the gates at the Airport to cross thousands of miles to get to another shore where a new life awaited him. i remember that on the night before he left, i touched his face as i lay beside him and i felt my heart breaking. i didn’t know why and i didn’t dare to cry. i remember on the way back from the airport that night, the cab driver insisted on staying on one mandarin station that had a woman’s melancholic, hauntingly sorrowful voice singing about the last time she met her lover.
it did turn out to be the last time i was with him.
my love walked through the gates of Changi Airport and he disappeared again.
i banged hard on Heaven’s gates and demanded to know why God answered a prayer that he knew would end up in heartbreak and tears.
six years later, he returned to me… at a time when i didn’t foresee it and at a stage in my life when i couldn’t accommodate anyone with me. i had a new job, working as a servant on a big vineyard, a job that occupies all my time and leaves me feeling vulnerable and empowered all at the same time. but i felt that i needed someone, a physical partner.
i had someone in mind. and i rang for God (we had made up) and asked if he might send me someone. i knew that God probably had someone in store for me and i didn’t have to worry about where i was going to find time to meet people, spending all my time sweating in the vineyard. He will provide.
but the first prayer i sincerely made for someone to be my companion in the last two years was uttered. i thought it might be the Apostle. it turned out not to be. it turned out to be him. the boy whom i didn’t know and fell in love with when i was in college.
i tell you today, prayers work.
my memory returns to those moments when i knelt at Novena pews begging for God to take my pain away after he left. i remember trying to bargain with God and conceding that, fine, take him away for NOW so we can grow individually but please to return him to me after we have had our fair share of experiences.
i tell you again… prayers work.
