… it helps you to discern what God is saying.
or maybe that’s just me.
there are times when i’m angry or upset, or pretty much hurt, that i find myself at a loss because prayers don’t bring comfort or relief.
so then i have to calm myself down to think rationally and examine my options. i still want to do God’s will but in situations like these, i am incapable of seeing what that will is.
and so begins Crazy Conversation.
*knock knock* God?
………….. (probably = you again….)
what should i do? should i do ‘A’ or ‘B’?
what do you feel?
i want to do ‘A’ and yet, i feel that maybe ‘B’ is the right option.
why do you feel that? (at this point, if i am unable to answer, Crazy Conversation will become futile after a while. this is when i have to break it or ‘come out’ of it because if i don’t, the answers or responses i get are pretty much self-manufactured rather than the ‘voice of God’, my ‘conscience’, my ‘instinct’ or whatever other names there are.)
forget it! goodbye. thanks for listening though. (Crazy Conversation ends.)
i don’t consciously turn to the Devil. i don’t go to it for advice. i’m not that insane yet. but as i weigh the alternatives in my mind and i consider my motivations for each alternative, there is one voice that rings out louder.
and it’s usually not God’s. cos God seldom, if ever, i think, tries to shout out instructions. usually, his is a soft prompting that beckons us toward it but which, if we ignore, just fades with our choice.
so there’ll be one part of me that wants to do ‘A’ cos it’s the so-called “bigger” thing to do. it’s harder (another indication that it’s right but in that state of blindness, both options seem equally tough) and it’s what the other person will prefer (ANOTHER indication but again, cannot be seen in a situation of blindness). because these reasons are masked, i am unable to see that it’s the right or better choice in that situation.
why ‘B’ then? because “you have a RIGHT to do this…”, “you SHOULD”, “you deserve MORE…”.
hang on a minute….. *suspicion aroused*
God doesn’t do that! he doesn’t ask me to select my weapons to go chasing after what i “DESERVE”. he doesn’t tell me i have a “RIGHT” to something other than what he gives.
it is at this juncture i feel victory. actual, sweet, even proud victory. i recognise that voice and i recognise those methods.
BE GONE!
and i am free.
i packed my bags in trepidation last night. i wasn’t sure if i had anything that is necessary to equip me to venture into the desert for the next 40 days.
i needed a lot of Strength to complete my journey. and the entire pool of it was standing right before me. all i needed do was to ask for the gift to be bestowed on me. but i couldn’t ask for it. for some reason, i was afraid. even if it was given to me, it only meant i would have no excuse not to make crossings into unknown territory. it meant that even if i were stranded or desperately lost, i would have to continue trudging along till i crossed the desert.
i saw many obstacles ahead.
there would be oases beckoning me that were not where my refreshment would be from.
there would appear invitations to take a breather or to re-route to an easier path that i should not tread upon.
i would feel like i was being torn apart on some days.
other days, it would seem perfectly fine to take a pause except that i would never move on from the break if i were to take it.
as if the journey wouldn’t be tough enough, there would be a thousand and one situations that would arise to complicate matters… situations that would make it perfectly alright for me to quit.
+++++
i finished my last stick of cigarette. or rather, my companion did. sometimes, life is full of humored ironies.
this pack of cigarettes came to me some time over the last few days while i had been preparing for my journey. i know that i cannot take it with me – it is forbidden. but i didn’t want to trash it either. why waste the good drug?
of course, bemused me pondered if this is a sign that i should try to smuggle the cigarettes with me on my journey. but the humorous One upstairs sent me a companion.
he would have been my stumbling block. i actually suspected that he would be my weak link, the one who will convince me that it’s OK to take the ciggys with me.
instead, he helped me to get rid of it. last night, he was an instrument of God. the one whom God sent to help me make the final decision.
now that my choices are clearer, i have not much to do other than to brave the storms ahead and forge my way through the dry land for the next 40 days.
and suddenly, i saw the gleaming pool of Strength again. it is right before me, within my grasp. and i asked for it. and i received. and so it is, i enrolled myself into another battle, one that i will happily fight in.
so i accept the grace of Strength, and i wave goodbye to the good drug. at least, for now. and i know that this desert will be crossed, like it or not, be it filled with obstacles or is one easy stretch. i made my choice and my Lord will be with me, for sure.
so i say, Thank You Lord for bringing me on this journey with you.
and i say also, Get thee behind me, Satan! for you will not win this battle, not while i have my God as my companion.
i am happy. the journey begins…
over the last 2 months, it has come to take on a new and deeper significance. having read just a brief history of the Catholic Church is sufficient for me to once again, be very aware of the wrongs of the Church in the past. i felt sad that Christians were split due to the events of centuries past.
and i have the confidence that someday, Christians and Catholics will be united again. after all, we are one family in Christ, not different camps following the same God. and i am even confident that someday, our Muslim and Jewish brothers and sisters will be joined with us too. eventually. not in my lifetime. but eventually…
right now, i just pray for Christian unity between the everyday human.
when i was a catechumen, all i cared about was to find out where God is in my life. i had to learn how to do His will because i like to do my own but i sometimes get confused as to what exactly should be the next step to take in life’s troubling decisions that had to be made. i was terribly sheltered but even as the journey progressed and i caught glimpses of the uglier side of politics in Church, they mattered little to me. my heart was set on God and to do the right thing. if i knew what that was!
my lenten retreat was a good one. i had felt the calling to be a sponsor for a while but it only managed to break free of my fears and grew full-fledged at the retreat when i encountered Jesus in my ponderings. still, there was a part of me that kept me from saying ‘yes’. a sponsor on that journey said on one of the nights when we were in the pantry sipping hot milo. i remember thinking, “this retreat is full of abstinence. no sleep, no food…” i was tired and hungry, trying to complete the reflection that we were told to jot down in our journal. this sponsor said that he was sure i would return as a sponsor the next year. i felt like God was deliberately and playfully teasing me, since He already knew what i was pondering. my immediate response was “No!”
on the third day, we returned to Church… by then, i was sure i would say ‘yes’ so i tried to look for Tony as i wanted to find out more about it. i hardly knew him then. except that he was our co-ordinator and that he was always involved and probably personally cared since he does cry with us from time to time!
i couldn’t find a chance to talk to him. i left Church thinking, maybe this isn’t meant to be.
across the road, my boyfriend called to say he got the family car and that he was coming to pick me up. so i jaywalked my way across the two busy roads and made my way back to Church. i don’t know why i preferred to wait in Church. probably it is a place of comfort and solace. i was physically exhausted but had all these thoughts of discipleship in my head.
on my way in, i ran into Tony on his way out. we stopped to say hello and he apologised for crying at the retreat. (shhh….) i said something to the effect of how he crying made us cry too. and before i knew it, i said, “Tony, i want to be a sponsor next year”. my exact words.
if the time had not elapsed for me to walk across Church and head back in, i might not have run into him. i probably would have gone back wondering if i should still pursue being a sponsor. most likely, i would think i shouldn’t. from then till the next journey, i had many doubts. i wanted to pull out, especially after realising how difficult a period Lent can be. but i didn’t want to go back on my word. even then, i knew, God paved the way for me not to back out.
on my second journey, i grew a hundred times more. i learnt Humility, above everything else. i learnt how i can try so hard to convince the catechumens that baptism is the way to go and they will not change their minds. but when God calls, they respond the very minute. HUMILITY. it isn’t what we do. sometimes, it isn’t even how much we do. we just do out best and God will take care of the rest.
i saw more ugly sides to ministerial work. but i believed with all my heart and soul in the RCIA. and all i wanted was to serve, to give something back to God in gratitude of the immense love and peace he gave me.
things happened along the course of the journey. very difficult twists and turns. i hurt people and i got hurt in return. i made friends when i didn’t expect to and i lost friends that i would have loved to cherish for life. the joys i experienced gave me glimpses of what Heaven must be like. the pits i fell into showed me glimpses of what Hell must be like too. in my young life, heartbreak from broken relationships and forced farewells from deaths are the two most painful experiences i have encountered. but in the lowest of my times on the journey, it surpassed all that in DESPAIR. i think i understand what Hell is, when you are separated from God. it isn’t the same as when you haven’t found God. at least then, ignorance is bliss. but having been with God and then unable to reach Him gives you a deep despair that it cuts right through your gut every minute, every breath, ever waking moment.
but i survived with more friends eventually. a new found family. deeper bonds… new perspective. a little bruised, a little more fragile… all of which makes me that little bit more humbled.
i started my third journey trying to make up for the mistakes made from the previous. trying to give more to repay the love that has been given to me. wanting to give more for the undeserved forgiveness i received from so many and from God.
these days, i seem to have lost faith in RCIA. did i make too many friends and forget the one i should treasure above all? did i allow human inspirations to overshadow the light from God? do i work to serve God or because it is work i had said i will do? if the journey adopts a different method, will i still be faithful to what the RCIA stands for? if my friends are not on this journey, will i be here? i feel slightly disillusioned. a lot of disappointment with the way people are, including myself. is this a little obstacle in my path or have i steered the wrong course? did i lose sight of why i loved the RCIA? without the RCIA, will we be friends? will we care enough to care?
i seem to have come full circle. back to my catechumenate days when i was afraid to let go.
Lord, help me to do your will. Help me to let go of damaging relationships, painful as they may be. Help me to serve you… remember your presence in my life. Not anyone else’s.
