had drinks at Ice Cold Beer with kodok a couple of weeks ago, me decked out in my MNG black dress and him in… his usual shirt, minus the HS tie that he was commanded to wear.
we had to be present at the Meritus Mandarin Hotel for a ‘state’ (‘state’ not state, cos the president wasn’t there) dinner (though i prefer to call it the GALA DINNER), the culmination of Cardinal Renato Raffaele’s one-week visit to Singapore. he was in town for the celebrations of the 25th Anniversary of Diplomatic Relations between the Holy See and Singapore. whatever.
yeah… so we popped into the more welcoming and more relaxed Ice Cold Beer for some reprieve before the long night ahead. i arrived and usurped his chair because mine was too low. he’s right, i think i bully him too much. =)
hurriedly, we exchanged stories and caught up on everything we had missed in each other’s lives, things that we would have discussed to death if we had this little box to facilitate our communication. it’s known as Yahoo Messenger that some barbaric companies firewall to prevent it from being a communal tool.
i like talking to kodok as a friend. that’s why i always ask him to shed his persona as a coordinator and talk to me as a friend. and he has learnt to!
he says i am very matured for my age. he always says that. i don’t know what to make of it. because i know i am matured but i don’t see how i am more matured than others around me. but the way he says it, it’s almost like saying… that in Life with God, this maturity is a strength because i am able to accept things that don’t go my way and to respond as an adult would, to take it in my stride and have the tenacity to weather on without throwing the towel in. (*blush*, i complimented myself!)
but this maturity can also be a bad thing because i see things differently from my peers, which can create a loss of identity amongst my peers. i don’t know… this is what i think HE thinks because whenever i tell him about some problem i may have, which isn’t very often, depending on how often we talk and what kinds of problems he is facing at the moment, he remarks almost to himself, “that’s why i always say you’re very matured for your age.”
WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!!?
i don’t want to be more matured. i just want to be a normal girl. and sometimes, i think i am not. not that i think i’m above others. i just… don’t fit in. and this isn’t some growing up issues because i am past that.
but many times, i still feel like i’m outside looking in.
but back to Mr C, i have to say that kodok gives me a lot of reassurance. he sees my strengths and knows how to turn my weaknesses into some things better. he understands what i say much better than boys my age. but of course. he’s old. 
in many ways, he used to be my pillar of support and strength. he used to teach me what faith is. does he still? i don’t know… but he’s my fwen and i’ve undertaken the responsibility to see that he remains in line with what he believes in.
i hope he never falters. for selfish reasons, i can’t see my mentor fail and i can’t bear to see him go offtrack… especially when i think that the only reason why he will go offtrack is because he’s opened himself up to the temptations to pull him away from the right path that possibly, his position tends to require of him… and these temptations are not things people are conscious of.
he’s my fwen. my 45 year old fwen who babyspeaks with me. and i also like the fact that he’s able to tell me when i’ve done something wrong without making me feel like a worm or able to teach me grace without making me feel like a duck… or how to be less socially inept without embarrassing me or making me feel inadequate.
and he shares some stories with me that he doesn’t even tell his wife, as he so innocently announced to the bartender who eyed us that evening. must be thinking, little slut, over-dressed to be in a bar with this old man… he’s really not that old, but his white hair makes him appear otherwise.
the bartender was looking down as he was filling up a mug for some other patron… but his eyes flitted upwards to check us out when kodok boomed that statement in his loud voice. i squirmed. and then i thought to myself, hoping the bartender and everyone else in that room saw that exclamation of thought bubble, “He’s MY FWEN! and i am proud of it! i don’t care what people think.”
i never thought i would like older men until i came to church and got to make many good friends who are older men. what does this say?
young men don’t go to church! Grrr.
i work on the vineyard. there is always much to be done on any given day. most of us start out planting seeds hoping to witness the day when an entire harvest springs forth from them. along with watering them, we learn how to offer words of kindness and encouragement when needed to help these seedlings to grow with strength.
occasionally, one or two passers-by on this vineyard drop a careless comment or take an unguided step and trample on the tender shoots. when that happens, we have to be there to make sure that these shoots, though lost and shaken, remain firmly rooted and continue to reach for the light.
the work is hard… but the rewards are many. they more than make up for the drops of sweat fallen.
but sometimes, i still forget why i do what i do. in planting these seeds, i forget to thank the Lord for handing me these seeds to plant. in watching my seedlings grow and helping them to grow in strength, i forget to be grateful for being given the task of nurturing them.
most of all, there are times when i try to spy approacing storms but in looking that far ahead, i miss the golden rays of sunshine beaming down on all of us right now.
when i pull out the weeds that threaten to choke my plants, i fear that i may accidentally pull out my plants in my anger and resentment. the line is fine for where anger stops and love begins.
working on the vineyard is not easy… but i can’t leave because i love the job.
the best part is… there is always a guaranteed bountiful harvest. what can i ask for than to be able to reap my rewards and be aware of these gifts?
when i was a catechumen, all i cared about was to find out where God is in my life. i had to learn how to do His will because i like to do my own but i sometimes get confused as to what exactly should be the next step to take in life’s troubling decisions that had to be made. i was terribly sheltered but even as the journey progressed and i caught glimpses of the uglier side of politics in Church, they mattered little to me. my heart was set on God and to do the right thing. if i knew what that was!
my lenten retreat was a good one. i had felt the calling to be a sponsor for a while but it only managed to break free of my fears and grew full-fledged at the retreat when i encountered Jesus in my ponderings. still, there was a part of me that kept me from saying ‘yes’. a sponsor on that journey said on one of the nights when we were in the pantry sipping hot milo. i remember thinking, “this retreat is full of abstinence. no sleep, no food…” i was tired and hungry, trying to complete the reflection that we were told to jot down in our journal. this sponsor said that he was sure i would return as a sponsor the next year. i felt like God was deliberately and playfully teasing me, since He already knew what i was pondering. my immediate response was “No!”
on the third day, we returned to Church… by then, i was sure i would say ‘yes’ so i tried to look for Tony as i wanted to find out more about it. i hardly knew him then. except that he was our co-ordinator and that he was always involved and probably personally cared since he does cry with us from time to time!
i couldn’t find a chance to talk to him. i left Church thinking, maybe this isn’t meant to be.
across the road, my boyfriend called to say he got the family car and that he was coming to pick me up. so i jaywalked my way across the two busy roads and made my way back to Church. i don’t know why i preferred to wait in Church. probably it is a place of comfort and solace. i was physically exhausted but had all these thoughts of discipleship in my head.
on my way in, i ran into Tony on his way out. we stopped to say hello and he apologised for crying at the retreat. (shhh….) i said something to the effect of how he crying made us cry too. and before i knew it, i said, “Tony, i want to be a sponsor next year”. my exact words.
if the time had not elapsed for me to walk across Church and head back in, i might not have run into him. i probably would have gone back wondering if i should still pursue being a sponsor. most likely, i would think i shouldn’t. from then till the next journey, i had many doubts. i wanted to pull out, especially after realising how difficult a period Lent can be. but i didn’t want to go back on my word. even then, i knew, God paved the way for me not to back out.
on my second journey, i grew a hundred times more. i learnt Humility, above everything else. i learnt how i can try so hard to convince the catechumens that baptism is the way to go and they will not change their minds. but when God calls, they respond the very minute. HUMILITY. it isn’t what we do. sometimes, it isn’t even how much we do. we just do out best and God will take care of the rest.
i saw more ugly sides to ministerial work. but i believed with all my heart and soul in the RCIA. and all i wanted was to serve, to give something back to God in gratitude of the immense love and peace he gave me.
things happened along the course of the journey. very difficult twists and turns. i hurt people and i got hurt in return. i made friends when i didn’t expect to and i lost friends that i would have loved to cherish for life. the joys i experienced gave me glimpses of what Heaven must be like. the pits i fell into showed me glimpses of what Hell must be like too. in my young life, heartbreak from broken relationships and forced farewells from deaths are the two most painful experiences i have encountered. but in the lowest of my times on the journey, it surpassed all that in DESPAIR. i think i understand what Hell is, when you are separated from God. it isn’t the same as when you haven’t found God. at least then, ignorance is bliss. but having been with God and then unable to reach Him gives you a deep despair that it cuts right through your gut every minute, every breath, ever waking moment.
but i survived with more friends eventually. a new found family. deeper bonds… new perspective. a little bruised, a little more fragile… all of which makes me that little bit more humbled.
i started my third journey trying to make up for the mistakes made from the previous. trying to give more to repay the love that has been given to me. wanting to give more for the undeserved forgiveness i received from so many and from God.
these days, i seem to have lost faith in RCIA. did i make too many friends and forget the one i should treasure above all? did i allow human inspirations to overshadow the light from God? do i work to serve God or because it is work i had said i will do? if the journey adopts a different method, will i still be faithful to what the RCIA stands for? if my friends are not on this journey, will i be here? i feel slightly disillusioned. a lot of disappointment with the way people are, including myself. is this a little obstacle in my path or have i steered the wrong course? did i lose sight of why i loved the RCIA? without the RCIA, will we be friends? will we care enough to care?
i seem to have come full circle. back to my catechumenate days when i was afraid to let go.
Lord, help me to do your will. Help me to let go of damaging relationships, painful as they may be. Help me to serve you… remember your presence in my life. Not anyone else’s.
